I was surfing the net recently, and I came across the word “micro-cheating”. Being naturally inquisitive, I stopped and read up on what was described as the latest trend in maintaining healthy and positive relationships. I was surprised at what I found!

Micro-cheating, it seems, describes a set of seemingly trivial acts which could be interpreted as signs of your partner’s impending infidelity. The signs could be very slight, such as him having a passcode on his phone, spending a lot of time at his computer or taking his phone with him when he is alone such as going to the bathroom.

The determining factor as to whether something is described as micro-cheating is how it makes you feel. If you feel he is cheating on you, or preparing to cheat on you, then he must be. Your feelings determine reality, because if he wasn’t micro-cheating then you wouldn’t have any reasons to feel that he is, right?

Once you feel he is being unfaithful in some way, then it is incumbent upon you to gather evidence to support your suspicions. This could include combing through his emails and getting access to his text messages, monitoring his social media, performing a background check or even hiring a private investigator.

Can you see why I doubt this will lead to romantic bliss?

The main reason why I feel this is a dangerous path to follow is that it is paved with suspicion and guilt. It assumes a presupposition of guilt, supported by trivial behaviours that in any other light would appear completely benign. You are on high alert, tense with anticipation that you will see yet another seemingly common-place yet sinister event to support your conclusion. This conclusion, based on your emotions, has already been made. You are just looking for evidence to prove what you already know is true: He is a cheater.

In our experience, cheaters will cheat and no amount of investigating or evidence gathering will change this. If you are so suspicious of your partner that you will check his text messages or perform background checks then your relationship is in serious trouble, and no amount of spying is going to help. The issue is one of trust, which I believe is one of the major pillars in building positive relationships. Without trust, the whole castle comes crashing down.

So what can you do? Remember in my podcast What Do You Need? we discussed observing a behaviour and then determining your needs and making a request? This is it.

If you are feeling unloved, neglected or even betrayed, it is probably because you have unmet needs that need to be fulfilled. The true cause of your feelings are your unmet needs, and not that ‘micro-cheating’ behaviour of your husband or boyfriend. The only way to rid yourself of these negative emotions, therefore, is to determine what these needs are and how you can meet them. This is much more effective than saying that your boyfriend’s behaviour is the cause of your unhappiness, which is placing your emotional well-being in someone’s else’s hands.

For example, let’s say you are uncomfortable when your boyfriend texts others when you are together. You feel that his attention should be focused on you when are together, and start to wonder who he could be texting and why. Could this be micro-cheating, and should you be on the look-out for additional evidence such as how happy he seems to be when he texts other people? Is it another woman, and if so how soon before he starts sleeping with her? And isn’t he spending a little too much time in the bathroom with his phone?

I’m sure you could see where this is going. By the end of lunch you may already be googling spyware and planning your break-up party.

But let’s look at a different strategy. After much deliberation, you come to the conclusion that you feel neglected when he is on his phone when you are together because you need more attention from him. After coming to this conclusion, you sit him down and say something like, “When you text when we are together I feel that you don’t love me and that makes me feel neglected. So, would you agree not to text others when we are together?”

In this example, you have acknowledged how you feel and what unmet need is causing that emotion, and followed up with a clear request for your partner to follow. What happens next is up to your partner. He may agree to your request, which is the most likely scenario since he cares for you and wants you to be happy. He may also point out that you spend a lot of time on your phone as well. This could become an interesting discussion about the role of phones and social media in your life, and what you feel is a positive and enriching use of the technology within your relationship.

See the difference? The clear request you made and the ensuing discussion deepened your relationship and made you stronger. You may also find out that his previous girlfriend was always on social media, so much so that they would spend hours together interacting with other people. It became such a habit that he barely thought about it anymore, so imagine his shock when he realized how negatively it was impacting you.

If after agreeing to your request he still continues to spend time on his phone when you are together, then you may have a problem. This could result in another discussion with him about why he did not fulfill your request, and what other factors may be preventing him from leaving his phone alone. Maybe a friend is going through a bad break-up and doesn’t want anyone else to know, or maybe he is working on a team project at work and doesn’t realize how it is affecting you.

Either way, you are addressing the issue through communication rather indulging in catastrophizing (ie, jumping to the worst possible conclusions) and resorting to spying or other forms of destructive behaviours. By taking responsibility for your feelings and your needs, you are doing your part in keeping your relationship healthy and growing.